Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
