my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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