Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
