How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
