Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
