So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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