3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
