I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
