Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
