i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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