we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
