Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
