If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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