he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
