You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
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He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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