I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
