Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
