Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
