it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
