Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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