Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
