On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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