Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
