she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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