capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
