I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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