when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
