Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
