I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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