the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
