Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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