No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize