Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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