I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
