Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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