May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
