4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
