vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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