Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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