dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
