apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
where am i from again
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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