Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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