he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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