Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
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thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
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I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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