I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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