Reggie can tackle my bush.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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