Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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