I can't watch pbs sober anymore
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
