So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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