Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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