why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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