Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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