You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
