I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
