I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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