how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
