i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
